Filed under: Jeff Polage: Unemployed Actor

What do you get when you combine one unemployed actor with one stir-crazy artist, and then throw them both into a room with a stack of gossip tabloids and a camera?  My pal Jeff Polage is an excellent pantomime and has more acting talent in his pinky than most of these dullards we see on the big screen these days. Here are some of the results of our celebrity inspired collaboration:

Kevin Federline

Jessica Simpson

Tom Cruise

Anna Nicole Smith

Arnold Shwarzenegger

Goldie Hawn

Paris Hilton

More paintings coming soon….

Filed under: Icky

Vincent Gallo offers his sperm for sale on the "merchandise" area of his web site. If you’d like your future child to possess delusions of grandeur and inflated ego, this is the opportunity for you!   You can buy his precious body fluid for only $1,000,000 and you get to experience his 8" cash withdrawal machine.  But wait, if you have an "extremely dark complexion", Mr. Gallo isn’t interested in selling his sperm to you. Gallo prefers a blonde with blue eyes and is prepared to knock $50,000 off his asking price if she can "prove" she’s natural. Come on fair haired ladies, line up for this once in a lifetime chance!

Achtung! Seven of my illustrator friends have started a blog called the 7 Deadly Sinners.  These talented pals of mine have inspired and encouraged my work. Don’t miss Kipling West’s downloadable monthly calender page, Tom Bagley’s tribute to Link Wray, or Kamala’s homage to perversions in the animal kingdom. Check often, the site updates daily.

Filed under: Paris Hilton

Yes, I know…Paris Hilton again.  It’s only because I’ve noticed an increased frequency of Paris Hilton backlash in the gossip tabloids, and we seem to gobble it up with glee. Star Magazine recently ran a cover story accusing Paris of "backstabbing" and "boyfriend stealing" and went on to feature her growing list of enemies.  Italian designer Valentino called Paris "vulgar",  Mary Kate Olsen is upset Paris stole her oversized Greek boyfriend, Shannon Dougherty is still seething over the fact that her ex-husband "starred" with Paris in the infamous sex video, and Page Six reported that Paris’s own pet monkey attacked her while they were shopping together in Las Vegas. The way things are going, it’s only a matter of time before Tinkerbell goes for her throat. For this reason, I have created the Paris Hilton Voodoo Doll. It was designed not to cause bodily harm to Paris….no, each prick of the pin will only embroil her in more scandal and humiliation. We’ll be entertained by her downfall, and she’ll gain the notoriety she seeks. Everyone wins. Buy one today!

Filed under: Nicole Richie

Just about every week, you’ll find tabloid headlines pointing out the latest star wasting away to bones. Photos document the skeleton du jour’s hasty descent from healthy and robust to frail and thin.  The photos are shocking, not because the women are so thin….but because their heads are so HUGE compared to their stick-like bodies. Nicole Richie, Teri Hatcher, and Christina Ricci
have collaberated to create a guilt-free snack that is causing a
sensation in Hollywood.  These NO calorie, NO fat Hollypops are the
perfect meal for the gal who just can’t seem to get thin enough. Three
mouthwatering flavors, Lettuce, Water, and Espresso are sure to satisfy your appetite and sooth your hunger pangs.
PS: Sorry I was gone for so long. I fell into a roiling pit of hedonism and then got dragged through the burning embers of catharsis. I’m back now!

UPDATE: Be sure and take a look at the wonderful DVA Gallery located in Chicago. They’ve posted an interview with me and I’ll be showing my work in a solo show there in August 2006.

Filed under: Madonna, Madonna Art, Tom Cruise

Madonna and Tom Cruise are two of the entertainment industry’s most vocal religious zealots. According the the Drudge Report, Madonna says”we’re all going to hell” if we don’t change our “wicked behavior”, andthat we are “enslaved… by the material world.”  She doesn’t explainhow she’s going to get rid of her own trappings of the material world.What is she going to do with her expensive designer wardrobe, herluxury autos, her $500 beauty creams, or her several mansions?According to her logic, she better get rid of them all or else Crazy Old Aunt Esther is going to end up having eternal afternoon tea with Beelzebub.The Scientologists don’t like it when you talk about their secret “hidden truths” of the universe. They don’t want you to knowabout Xenu, the evil ruler of the galaxy who kidnapped billions ofunfortunate souls and transported them in DC-10 space planes forimprisonment in Earth’s volcanoes about 75 million years ago. L. RonHubbard himself wrote of his memories of being an intergalactic walrus who fell out of a spaceship.  Science fiction or true religion? You decide.  Meanwhile, Tom Cruise is likely to go down in history as that Hollywood nutcase who jumped all over Oprah’s couch instead of being known for his movie career.  HAPPY HALLOWEEN!Gallery Announcement:  If you’re in Seattle on November 3, don’t miss the opening of Crime Scene at SOIL Art Gallery. I’ll be showing my painting of David Gest and Liza Minelli. Scandal!

Filed under: Movie, Book & Magazine Parodies

I saw a recent photo of Jackie Stallone and for the first few seconds, I thought I was looking at Michael Myers, the villian from the Halloween movies. After seeing her, I had to do a little research on what’s she’s been up to. I was delighted to learn that “she says her dogs channel messages from the spirt world and sends them to her telepathically“.  In addition to giving birth to her “deformed son” Sylvester, she has also been a trapeze artist, a psychic, a dermatologist, and a rumpologist (a form of fortune telling using a person’s….rump). Jackie doesn’t hold back - she recently called Britney Spears a “tramp” and “trailer trash”. Sylvester is planning a movie about his eccentric mother and Jackie insists that Angelina Jolie play the part.  Please do it Angelina!!! PLEASE!! I will SO be first in line to see that!  But first I’m going to watch Halloween 10, in which Jackie’s dogs tell her to destroy the planet after she returns home from getting her lips injected with more collagen.

Filed under: Brangelina, Brangelina Art

Angelina Jolie and Tori Spelling represent two factors that may contribute to luring a man away from his wife: Beauty and Power. That’s especially true in Hollywood.  Strike fear into the hearts of your married pals when you choose to wear one of these Celebrity Halloween Masks to a Hollywood costume party.  Throw on the Angelina mask and watch the room grow silent as all eyes fall upon you in awe. Try the Tori mask (be sure to switch on the battery powered flashing Daddy’s Money tiara so industry folks will really notice you) and witness how everyone stops their conversation and comes running toward you.