Filed under: Deep Thoughts

“That’s right — get a load of those quaffles!“

Filed under: Who Wore It Best

LEFT: “Glamour model,” Jordan, at a signing event for her new children’s book

RIGHT: Fairytopia Mermaid Barbie chilling at Target until a li’l rugrat buys and abuses her

Filed under: Celebutards, Convos of the Rich & Famous, Nicole Richie

LIONEL: Look, world! My daughter has cleavage now!

NICOLE: Dad really needs to stop talking about my breasts.

SOPHIA: I’m so happy Nicole had a baby! Now I can wear all her old clothes.

LIONEL: What a rack, huh? Am I right, or am I right?

NICOLE: [SIGHS] At least I’ve finally done something to make him proud.

SOPHIA: Um, what’s a girl gotta do to get some attention ’round here? I should talk to that Jamie Lynn Spears…

Continued

Filed under: Britney Spears

Songwriter, singer and Eminem enemy #1, Moby, claims Britney Spears‘ recent downward spiral has caused his heart to skip a beat — so much so, that he would marry her. He says:

“Britney is like this Tennessee Williams tragic figure. The fatter she gets, the weirder she gets, the more I love her.”

Yes, Britney is a regular Blanche DuBois! In fact, we have a Playbill for this real-life drama:

SCENE ONE

The exterior of a Starbucks building on a road in Malibu which is called Pacific Coast Highway. Also known as The Road Where Mel Gibson Blamed the Jews for All the Wars of the World. The sun is shining, but the only light we can see is the constant barrage of flashbulbs.

[A bald-headed man comes around the corner, Moby. He is about forty, wearing black-rimmed glasses and a “Powered by Tofu” t-shirt. He stops upon seeing the crowd of hungry photographers.]

MOBY [bellowing]:

Hey there, Britney! Baby!

BRITNEY [turns around, her mouth full of whipped cream]:

Huh?

MOBY:

It’s me, Moby! We collaborated on your album a few year ago?

BRITNEY:

Eat it, lick it, snort it, f*%k it!”

MOBY:

God, I love you.

Filed under: Ashlee Simpson

Break out the champagne! Ashlee Simpson, 23, and Pete Wentz, 28, are engaged!

But that’s not why we’re drinking bubbly. I just thought we deserved to get a little loopy after a long, exhausting day of gossipmongering.  So let’s pop the cork and continue…

Ashlee posted the following message on the romantic-sounding Web site, FriendsOrEnemies.com:

“We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes — it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, and we wanted to be the first to tell you and to hear it straight from us.”

“… To love and to cherish, till a fight over the eyeliner does us part.” Awwww.

We tried to reach Papa Joe for comment, but he was too busy crying into Jessica’s chest to respond.

Filed under: Daily Drivel

R.I.P. Tyra’s Weave. [Jezebel]

Jennifer Lopez plans to lose baby weight with daily three-hour workouts. What a coincidence — I plan to lose my Girl Scout cookie weight with an annual three-hour workout! [Celebrity Baby Scoop]

Joan Rivers is no fan of Posh, of facial movement. [Celebrity Smack]

Gwyneth Paltrow says paparazzi drove Britney Spears insane. Well, that, and her bipolar disorder. [Celebitchy]

Biological father and daughter marry, have baby together. And, no, their last name is not Simpson. [Fatback]

Paris Hilton blogs about her “love” for Benji Madden. Really, they’ll let anyone blog these days. (Hey, no comments from the peanut gallery!) [POTP]

Johnny Depp wedding rumor #734. [Celebrity Dirt]

Renee Zellweger and George Clooney look as natural in this photoshoot as Heidi Montag at a Mensa convention. [Lainey]

Another douche-off. [Giggle Sugar]

Eight sex myths you should not believe.  [CK]

Star explores actresses’ “BODY AFTER BABY! Best New Bumps - Inside.” Great, now they’re even rating bumps. [popbytes]

Filed under: Rosie O'Donnell

Rosie O’Donnell says she’s way more disturbed and mentally ill than Britney Spears and therefore, she ought to be the unofficial face of mental illness. I thought Rosie’s idea was splendid, so I whipped up the poster for her. Medium: ink on paper, digital color, candy.