Archive for the ‘Jessica Simpson’ Category

Filed under: Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson

It’s that time of year — the time when family Christmas cards and annual updates are piling up in the ol’ mailbox. And, not to brag or anything, but we at Holy Candy and Gallery of the Absurd have been lucky enough to land on the Simpson family mailing list this year, so we thought we’d share their heartwarming greeting with you:

Dear Friends, Family and Movie Producers Gullible Enough to Cast My Daughters,

What an eventful year it’s been in the Simpson household! …

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Filed under: Entertainment, Jessica Simpson

After watching this trailer, I am more convinced than ever that we should retire:

1) The phrase, “I think I just threw up in my mouth”;

2) Jessica Simpson’s acting career; and…

3) Steve Guttenberg.

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Filed under: Jessica Simpson

Q: A blonde starlet weighing 110 lbs. loses her balance on a New York City sidewalk grate. What will the speed of the blonde be at the end of three seconds?

A: While the blonde (sadly) regained her balance, she will always be slow.

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Filed under: Convos of the Rich & Famous, Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves at Frederick’s of Hollywood 2008 Spring Collection Fashion Show

JESSICA: Hey, everyone! Look at me! I’m DANCIN’! By mySELF! That’s right, I don’t need a man to have a good time.

KEN: Damn, those extensions look fabulous.

JESSICA: Is everyone looking at me, Ken? Are they admiring how fit and HAPPY I am? Are Nick and John going to see this in Life & Style and eat their hearts out, or WHAT?!

KEN: Um…

JESSICA: What — what is it? …

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Filed under: Jessica Simpson

And the Oscar for Most Convincing Performance in a Straight-to-DVD Movie goes to…

…The Champagne Bottle!

Aw, sooooo close, Jess. [INSERT SAD FACE HERE] Better luck next time.

For more pictures of Jessica’s riveting acting in “Major Movie Star,” click below.

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Filed under: Beauty, Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson attended a W magazine bash in NYC last night, where she helped honor her new stylist Britt Bardo (is that seriously her name?) and pissed off guests by commandeering the balcony all for herself (taking a page from Jamie Foxx’s book).

I can’t help but panic a little upon seeing these pictures. I have to ask:

Is heavy eyeliner — *GULP* — in again?

I have two phobias: fear of heights (I could only go a quarter-way up the Eiffel Tower, and even then I couldn’t go to the edge and …

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Filed under: Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson’s father, Papa Joe, claims Jess was offered the role of a lifetime: a porn star. He also reveals that he and Jessica are a collective unit, two minds operating almost as well as one, as you’ll see from his language…

“The last script that came to us was for Jessica to be a porn star. . . WE were promised we would win an Oscar with that,” says Papa Joe. “I was like, ‘Eh, WE’ll just buy a [statue of a] little …

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