Author Archive

Filed under: Who Wore It Best

LEFT: Nicky Hilton at the Los Angeles screening of “Trembled Blossoms”

RIGHT: The window in the Home Linen Wholesale UK Catalog I picked up during my European vacation (in Amsterdam now!)

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Filed under: Breath Smells Like...

Lean Cuisine Bow Tie Pasta & Chicken, Amstel Light, and the seven-year-old rotting remains of Tara Reid’s “love”

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Filed under: Live Blogging, Rachael Ray, Television

Live blogging with Candy! My random thoughts about Rachael Ray’s talk show yesterday…

Candy:

9:01 – Rachael enters with a dramatic ‘round-the-head finger snap. Yup, this is going to be a good one.

9:03 – We’re introduced to “Adam, Obsessed KISS Fan,” who gives us a tour of the soon-to-be-redecorated KISS room in his house. The dude even has KISS coffee. And what the hell are KISS “incent burners”? Guy may want to spend less time with his Paul Stanley action figure and more time with his dictionary.

9:04 – Adam’s wife, who is either a saint or has been drunk their entire relationship. I’m betting on the latter.

9:05 – We’re introduced to Kristan Cunningham, “Rachael’s DIY buddy.” Rachael has a buddy for that? Huh. I thought that’s what a Rabbit was for.

9:07 — *YAWN* I could sure go for some KISS coffee right now.

9:07 – So they’re reorganizing Adam’s KISS room with none other than IKEA furniture. Rachael Ray is worth, what, $500,000 million? Okay, yeah, just checking.

9:10 – Little known fact: Adam is also the fifth Beatle.

9:12 – Adam seems to be thrilled with the results of his newly organized room. I think it was the fourth “THIS IS AWESOME!” that gave it away.

9:18 – Wait, did he just say, “It was like opening up a porno into KISS world”?! [*REWIND*] Nope, he actually said “a portal into KISS world.” That’s no fun.

9:18 – If Rachael doesn’t stop doing that, I’m going to bust some EVOO in her ass.

9:19 – Surprise! Gene Simmons enters with a present – a KISS lamp – for Adam. Sticks out his tongue.

9:20 – Gene sticks out his tongue again.

9:20 – And again.

9:29 — Rachael screeches that if we don’t watch Gene’s new show, we’re a “LOSER.”

Yup, we’re the losers.

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Filed under: Who Wore It Best

LEFT: Goldie Hawn at The Film1 Rembrandt Awards in Amsterdam

RIGHT: Eskimo SpongeBob enjoying the cold weather as much as I do

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Filed under: Convos of the Rich & Famous, Madonna

MADONNA: He’s doing it again, isn’t he?

JUSTIN: Actually, I think he’s making fun of me.

MADONNA: Oh, please –

JUSTIN: He told me I look like I should be serving drinks!

MADONNA: And mopping them up with the Brillo pad on your head.

JUSTIN: Excuse you?

MADONNA: Did I say that out loud? Just kidding. I think it’s… cute… you’re growing out your hair again…

JUSTIN: And I was just being nice. He’s totally vogueing.

MADONNA: Bollocks! I knew it! That smartass little f*cker.

JUSTIN: I was 12 when that song came out.

MADONNA: You can shut up now.

JUSTIN: (GLANCES BACK) Um, Madonna…?

MADONNA: That’s the opposite of shutting up.

JUSTIN: He’s not moving. Like, at all.

MADONNA: Oh. (SHRUGS*) That’s what he gets for mocking me on MY night. The cleaning crew will get him later. Wanna hit the after-party?

JUSTIN: Yeah, baby. Me and Madonna are bringing SexyBack!

MADONNA: Don’t ever bloody say that again.

JUSTIN: Sorry.

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Filed under: Who Wore It Best

LEFT: Vanessa Williams at an Alzheimer’s Association charity event in Beverly Hills

RIGHT: The table where I sat — and had just enough Sauvignon Blanc to get me to do the “Macarena” — at my cousin Julie’s wedding in Cincinnati, OH

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Filed under: Advertising Parodies, Celebrities, Mean Clowns

American Idol judge and professional sourpuss Simon Cowell claims he turned down a $2 million offer to be the spokesman for Viagra, calling it a “f—ing insult” in the British edition of Glamour magazine. He sniffed:
“Last year my agent rang me and said, ‘You’ve been offered an incredibly big deal. It’s to be the face of Viagra. I just said, ‘Sorry, but that has to be a f—ing insult.’”
However, according to Circus Hour sources, Simon had a change of heart when he thought about the “perks” of the position. Only we …

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