Filed under: Media, Sexy Time
That especially horny member of the family of women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, has published men’s “all-time favorite mattress moves.” That’s right, ALL-TIME FAVORITES!
Here’s what they — and I — had to say:
JAMIE: “I can’t be the only guy who loves when a woman licks that soft patch of skin in front of my ears.”
CANDY: If you close your eyes, a St. Bernard would be happy to the same. And won’t expect you to call in the morning.
DONNY: “When I lean in to kiss you, hold the back of my head gently in your hand. It’s tender yet sexy.”
CANDY: That’s your favorite move EVER? Hmmm. Your girlfriend must be listening.
SAM: “Wet your lips and moan that you can’t wait to taste me.”
CANDY: You’ve been reading too many Penthouse Letters. Just say you enjoy a good blowjob.
GLENN: “This chick leaned against the dresser and stuck out her butt for doggie-style. I definitely obliged.”
CANDY: Damn! That Kim Kardashian really gets around.
TY: “Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.”
CANDY: That’s interesting. When I glide my lips over the neck of a beer bottle, I always think — why am I sucking on this instead of the opening? Must be time for another Sam Adams!
KEN: “The night after I got a big promotion, my girlfriend said she was going to give me only oral sex all night.”
CANDY: Sadly, that was the last thing she said before suffering permanent lockjaw.
Posted by Candy ♦ February 26, 2008
At 9:15 pm javelin said:
I remember standing in line at the grocery store as a kid and reading the Cosmo cover lines with astonishment and delight (I was a kind of dirty minded kid).
what a disappointment it turned out to be. the last straw was when the editor in chief printed an excerpt of her romance novel in the back and it was so bad I thought it must be a joke.
February 26, 2008
At 2:26 am stell said:
“When I glide my lips over the neck of a beer bottle, I always think — why am I sucking on this instead of the opening?” XD You are so funny!
February 27, 2008
At 5:27 am michal she said:
I puked in my mouth a little.
February 27, 2008
At 5:33 am Jane said:
Someone tell Glenn his girl must of had gas.
And some guy named Donny using the word tender?
Ew. Enough said.
Candy, you are too funny.
February 27, 2008
At 7:10 am Erick said:
Being a guy myself, I thought I’d add in my own personal tip for the ladies. The only thing sexier than “Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me” is “having her ask you to hold her hair back as her face goes down in the toilet and she wipes the vomit spittle from the corners of her mouth. It makes me think of her going down on me”
February 27, 2008
At 7:19 am Bee Hind said:
I don’t think Ken really has a girlfriend.
February 27, 2008
At 8:41 am Michelle said:
You know, some fetishes are better left unsaid. Oral sex all night? Yeah right, that’s what she ’said’, but what did she ‘do’? These guys are such bone heads.
February 27, 2008
At 9:40 am Demon kitty said:
Ya, know, I haven’t read horny cosmo in a long motherfucking time. I have no idea why, but all those “how to fuck long and hard all night,” “how to suck his dick like you are sucking the chrome off a trailer pull” just always annoyed me. Cosmo needs to die and go to hell. I am no longer a raving feminist, but GOD, can they think of something other than men’s needs for one second in the fucking rag?
February 27, 2008
At 10:20 am martini lover said:
>>Sadly, that was the last thing she said before suffering permanent lockjaw.
so funny!
February 27, 2008
At 11:37 am Jenn F. said:
Too.
Freaking.
Hilarious.
Jane, I thought the same thing as you… the name Donny made me let out a loud snorting sound.
Erick, well put! You summed it up perfectly.
You just know that all of these quotes were made up by Cosmo staff.
Oh, and Demon Kitty, your description of “sucking the chrome off a trailer pull” was classic. You always crack me up!
February 27, 2008
At 12:17 pm MMB said:
Hey MS–It’s not St. Peter’s–i answered your question, but that post was so far back i thought you may not see it! It’s the Montgomery County Court House in Montco PA, where I work, and was involved in a minor scandal–which put me on a local gossip blog! The hearts on it are from a poster created during the election to allude to the scandal–everyday being valentine’s day at the court house, some things like that. If you guys are interested, I will give you a link to the blog that mentioned it–but also, it was in some local papers, etc. funny stuff. I like it, because i love gossip! even when I’m the butt of it!
February 27, 2008
At 12:39 pm that_girl said:
I read Cosmo, but mainly because of the sex tips. I am a virgin, but I don’t want to be without any knowledge on that kind of stuff when I finally get lucky.
February 28, 2008
At 1:07 pm Gigohead said:
Candy, you are a woman after my own heart! Those are the funniest comments ever.
February 28, 2008
At 5:06 am nursecookies said:
“This girl leaned over and stuck her butt out for doggie style”
…and I thought I was just tying my shoes! No wonder!
February 29, 2008
At 5:09 am nursecookies said:
“The night after I got a big promotion, my girlfriend said she was only going to give me oral sex all night!”
translation:
“The night I got promoted I got so drunk the hag I picked up said something, so I shoved my dick in her face.”
February 29, 2008