Filed under: Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson

It’s that time of year — the time when family Christmas cards and annual updates are piling up in the ol’ mailbox. And, not to brag or anything, but we at Holy Candy and Gallery of the Absurd have been lucky enough to land on the Simpson family mailing list this year, so we thought we’d share their heartwarming greeting with you:

Dear Friends, Family and Movie Producers Gullible Enough to Cast My Daughters,

What an eventful year it’s been in the Simpson household!

We were finally able to erase the memory of Nick, er… I mean, forge ahead with Jessica and Ashlee’s bound-to-be-blockbuster careers without anything standing in their way. Sure, Ashlee’s dating some twerp musician, but he wears make-up and kisses boys, so I don’t think he’ll be a threat to me, um… to Ashlee’s career for long. She worked on her third album this year with hot producers such as will.i.am and Timbaland – and next year, I’m planning to arrange a highly publicized relationship between Ashlee and Timbaland’s partner, Justin Timberlake. So keep that on your radar, People and TMZ! Oh, what that relationship will do for my bank account… that is, Ashlee’s love life. Even more importantly, my l’il Ash was ranked one of the “Hottest Women in Pop” by Blender magazine and voted #16 in Maxim’s Hot 100 list. See? I knew that nose job would pay for itself. No matter what Ash’s mom said about “just being happy with yourself,” blah, blah, blah. Seriously, have you guys seen my little girl lately? She’s almost as smoking hot as her big sister now.

Yee-haw!

Speaking of whom, Jessica traversed a lot of hills and valleys this year (emphasis on hills, if you catch my D-D-drift). Poor girl put on a few pounds and darkened her hair during that dang John Mayer debacle – for which I blame myself. I never should have set up that blind lunch date and called Us Weekly to photograph it. But I never imagined it would lead to an actual relationship! I mean, that Mayer kid’s kinda smart and my girl, well… let’s just say her assets reside below her head. Heh, heh. And then there was Blonde Ambition going straight to DVD – thanks to the snoozefest also known as Luke Wilson (I asked for Owen, dammit!) – but at least I got a few Texas movie theater owners to show it in exchange for Jess’ old panties! (Hey, they were just lying around in my drawer, so why not?) Just between you and me, I suspect Major Movie Star is going to befall a similar fate – thanks to the drunkard also known as Vivica A. Fox – although it did whip Jess back into Daisy-Duke shape, which is how I landed Tony Romo for her. Jess got all excited when she thought she was gonna date the heir to the Ramen empire, so I had to explain that he makes touchdowns, not noodles. Of course, he doesn’t make many touchdowns when Jess is at the game, but that’s a whole ‘nother story…

Jess was also voted #41 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list, which is an even bigger joke than Lachey’s whiny “What’s Left of Me” hitting #6 on the Billboard charts. Have those wanker editors seen my daughter? Hell, Hilary Duff and Keira Knightley aren’t even a double-A combined, and they ranked higher than Jessica?! Puh-lease.

But we have much for which to be thankful: Ashlee climbing the “hot chick” lists in T&A rags; Jessica scoring us a private box at the Cowboys games; and Tina… doing whatever it is that Tina does.

The blessings that our daughters bestow upon us are ample, indeed. May you and your families be equally as blessed.

Happy Hooters, um… I mean, Holidays!

Papa Joe and the Family

Family photo by 14 at Gallery of the Absurd; annual update by Candy and Papa Joe