Filed under: PSAs, Paris Hilton

Ed. note: This is a tribute to Paris’ declaration that she wants to save drunken elephants.

Hello, my many admirers!

I’m Paris Hilton, founder of SADE (Socialites Against Drunk Elephants). If there is one thing that makes me even sadder than people drawing crustaceans on my pictures, it’s elephants putting back too many tequila shots. [CRY HERE. UMMM… I MEAN, USE TEAR DROPS HERE.] It’s, like, a real tragedy, you know? Like I was just saying to Nicky the other night on the stripper pole at Club Marquee, there’s already not enough Patrón in the world without these elephants snorting it all! No, I’m not talking about Jessica Simpson this time. As in real elephants – the kind you see in India, somewhere close to Rwanda (that hellhole my publicist said I don’t have to visit anymore ‘cause they couldn’t get the whole country vaccinated in time, thank GAWD).

That’s why I’ve decided to show the world how much I’ve changed and dedicate myself to something that matters: alcoholic elephants. I urge you to join me in staging an intervention with these big lushes. So when you see a drunk elephant stumbling down YOUR street, be sure to take their flask, call a cab and hose them down later — just like we do with Brandon Davis every weekend. You could save an elephant’s life. And, more importantly, an endangered bottle of Patrón.

Remember: Socialites don’t let elephants get drunk. And neither should you.

This public service announcement brought to you by the amazing artistry of 14 at Gallery of the Absurd, SADE and Paris Hilton’s delusions of becoming the next Princess Di.