Filed under: He Said, She Said

Welcome to the sixth edition of He Said, She Said, a column in which Holy Candy’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

I’m a talented singer, but I just can’t lay off the booze and drugs! My parents have tried to get me to go to rehab, but I said “no, no, no.” I thought I could get it under control — yet just last week I was too high to remember the words to my own song.

Help me! I’m….. dkfuklufuxalielslsp…………….wkusdkl……………..

BeehivedTrainWreck@yahoo.co.uk

TO BEEHIVEDTRAINWRECK:

DIDDY: Sounds like you need a fresh start. Have you considered changing your name?

PARIS: I’ve never done drugs and rarely party, so I have NO idea how to help you. Sorry.

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DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

My mommy likes to party more than she likes to hang out with my brother and me. My daddy’s not much better. It makes me sad. What can we do to help them settle down?

TatertotFederline@aol.com

TO TATERTOTFEDERLINE:

DIDDY: Oh, fu*k. This isn’t ANOTHER one of my kids, is it?

PARIS: Your mommy sounds like a fat backstabber. But not as fat as Nicole Richie.

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DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

I’m embarrassed because I told a magazine that I never party, and then I got arrested for being drunk at a Walgreens! How do I restore my credibility with the media and my fans?

ShiaMeister@gmail.com

TO SHIAMEISTER:

DIDDY: I’d be more embarrassed about being at a Walgreens. Throw a sucker punch at a man in a club parking lot, and you’ll have some street cred in no time.

PARIS: I’ve never lied to the media, so it’s hard for me to relate to your problem. But I suggest going on a show with a senile host and telling him you’re going to help needy ugly women. Or visiting bloated hungry kids in Africa. You don’t have to actually DO it, but you’ll look like prison has really changed you.  Or, um, so I’ve heard.