Another day, another
Paris Hilton litigation. This time, her target is
Hallmark Cards. The humorless heiress wasn’t pleased when she discovered
this Hallmark card depicting her as a waitress and using her trademarked phrase, “That’s Hot”. Paris is suing the greeting card company for $500,000 and Hallmark isn’t backing down. A spokeswoman for Hallmark defended the card as parody and said “These cards take a satirical look at news and gossip surrounding these public figures, including Paris Hilton, and we do not believe Hallmark has violated any of Ms. Hilton’s rights.”. That may be true, but can Hallmark legally use her unauthorized image for profit? I guess we’ll soon find out. Pairing my illustrations with actual
Paris Hilton quotes, I decided to create a parody of the parody with my own line of Paris Hilton greeting cards. Brighten up someone’s day with this cheerful breezy card (pictured above) featuring one of Ms. Hilton’s most inspiring revelations,
I don’t really think, I just walk.
Here’s the perfect card to send your “Girls Night Out” pals. Designed to resemble
this Hallmark card, your gal pals will be reminded just how lucky they are to be free from
all the annoying fame and recognition that
Paris Hilton must face each time she goes out.
Help impressionable young
tweens aspire toward dignity and class with this candid, yet charming photo of
Paris Hilton shamelessly flashing her undies to a crowd of photographers. Paris is a dazzling
role model for your precious little daughters.
One of Hallmark’s more popular greetings features a character called
Little Birdy.
Paris Hilton is rather bird-like, so I’ve created a character called Big Birdy. Big Birdy perches on its branch high in the forest while it ponders the puzzling definition of a
soup kitchen.
Of all
Paris Hilton’s vapid blather,
this quote is my all-time favorite. Commenting on Hilton’s “royalty”, writer
Michael Bryan wrote, “Paris is perfect for elevation to the American peerage. Scion of dynastic family wealth she had no part of creating, sporting a name that functions as a brand, vain to the point of self-obsession, possessed of the moronic beauty of youth, superficially glamorous but morally and intellectually impoverished, famous mainly for public lewdness and exhibitionism, owning the mating habits of a Bonobo, and sporting a massive air of entitlement, Paris is eminently qualified to be a member of America’s theoretical peerage. In fact, she is a strong candidate for America’s Princess.” This card honors our Princess and reminds others how important she is to our country.
Posted by
14 ♦ September 19, 2007
At 4:02 am Cici said:
Hahaha! Those are perfect! If you were to ever make these available as real cards, I’d definitely buy them. You have Paris’ caricature down to perfection- you manage to get her looking more like her than any of her publicity shots.
It’s the nearly shut droopy eye, the birdlike beak and the horrific ostrich toes that get me every time.
September 19, 2007
At 4:55 am kdl said:
oh man, i wish i had some frenemies to send these to!
September 19, 2007
At 5:51 am midevil said:
I think you made a mistake. That first card is supposed to read:
“I don’t really think,
I just spread…”
September 19, 2007
At 6:13 am coffeegod said:
Give ‘em hell, girl.
Keep busting the chops of this skeezy ho-bag. The fact that she has become an icon makes me physically ill.
Remember those blissful days of yore when we went “who Hilton?”
September 19, 2007
At 7:14 am NY Diva said:
14, I love these cards! I wish I could run out and buy some. I love how you got her wonky eye and wonky feet down pat. How does someone as dumb as Parisite continue to exist? One quote you forgot for your cards is “Scarlett Johnansen and I are vying for the same movie parts”. (I think it was Scar Jo or Jessica Alba. Someone help me out with this quote!)
September 19, 2007
At 8:27 am Hippo said:
I clicked on the link for that picture of Paris in the long pink skirt which she is inexplicably holding up to her her waist. In the original photo, she is flashing a whole lot more than her undies. I think she may have some unidentified extra body parts in there. Defamer.com refers to an “ass-goiter” and I think they’re onto something.
September 19, 2007
At 10:07 am Elizebeth said:
You should make these into e-cards. But then would that put you in the same boat as Hallmark?
These are too funny, I love every single one!
September 19, 2007
At 10:19 am 14 said:
Hi Elizebeth. I wanted to make these into free e-cards and even contacted a few online services, but all were too frightened over the possibility that our litigious American Princess would try and sue them. Who knew Paris struck such fear in the heart of the greeting card industry?
xoxo
14
September 19, 2007
At 10:21 am Cindy said:
My fave is the large man hand and wonky toes! They are all terrific as usual. I cant wait to see what you come up with next, 14!
Brilliant!
xoxo
Cindy
September 19, 2007
At 12:26 pm Me said:
This is your best ever!
Love it!!!
September 19, 2007
At 2:17 pm Viper Tetsu said:
Either you’re such a genius that you can ape several different greeting-card illustration styles, or you’ve got a half-dozen wage-slave-hack illustrators shackled to a beat-up table in your basement cranking this brilliance out at your instructional behest. I’m banking on the former. Brings tears of joy to my eyes.
September 19, 2007
At 4:56 pm Knox Bronson said:
Hey 14 - you can do your own e-cards. ask someone who knows how!
btw, you have outdone yourself once again. these are like the brit version of the office - so funny yet so painful it hurts to laugh … but i do anyway.
cd at the mixer!
you’re the greatest!
September 19, 2007
At 5:10 pm TheReallyJamesBond said:
Ahhh,… “true artistic & comedic genius is a wonderful thing!”
And yeah,.. The big-ass man-hands & the wocky hangin’ pidgeon toes is my favorite, too!
September 19, 2007
At 4:53 am Madame M said:
Excellent social satire. I think I’d be laughing more if it weren’t all so sickening.
September 20, 2007
At 5:36 am Eize said:
Miss 14, you astonish again with your genius! If you’re thinking of coming up with another “card”, take a gander at this for inspiration:
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/15652799.html
My eyes!!!
September 20, 2007
At 5:58 am Joyananda said:
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
September 20, 2007
At 6:54 am UnCool said:
http://www.diehipster.com
September 20, 2007
At 9:20 am just wonderin said:
I loved these cards, especially the variety styles that you have mastered so well. I know I’m hoplessly tacky but the next time you portray her with her dress up can you add “4 million served” or “Hollywood sleeps here” or something. The universe does have a sense of humor as she is appropriately named Hilton after all, so what’s one more cheap shot at her?
thanks for the laughs!
xoxo
September 20, 2007
At 10:01 am Lynzeeball said:
Please O
Please O
Pleasssse address those wonderful Oscar de la Hoya photos!!
http://deadspin.com/sports/stick-and-move/oscar-de-la-hoya-is-feeling-even-more-pretty-than-usual-301525.php
September 20, 2007
At 2:35 pm Demon Kitty said:
I hate her legs. I hate them, hate them, hate them. Those big ass feet and man hands. Her parents should have practiced the Chinese art of foot binding after seeing those huge fuckers. I will never understand why any guy would want to stick his wang into her cooter.
September 20, 2007
At 3:20 pm midevil said:
Demon Kitty,
Come on, I’ve heard many a guy tell me, it don’t matter what the outer of a cooter looks like, as long as they get to stick it with their dagger!
September 20, 2007
At 8:10 pm Chansmom said:
Her hands are just so…..well, big. What a not so eloquent friend of mine would call, dick skinners. And I’m sure Paris has skinned more than a few in her day.
American Princess? Perish the thought! She’s trash with cash, nothing more.
When is she going to fade away?
As usual, you aimed, fired and hit the bulls eye.
September 20, 2007
SlumNobility
At 8:42 pm SlumNobility said:
I think she’s famous just because people love to hate her. I’ve never heard anyone say they like anything about P.H. One social critic said, “Hating Paris Hilton is a sign of patriotism.” (Because like the one you quoted, she symbolizes most of the ills and corruption of our present day).
September 20, 2007
At 9:07 pm gilmore said:
Oh 14, you’ve out done yourself. Just one of those cards alone would an amazing post, but five is…… HEAVEN!
Love ‘em, love ‘em, love ‘em!
Great as always.
September 20, 2007
At 5:02 am just wonderin said:
Dick Skinners? I think I crushed my Tinker Balls when I fell down laughing!
September 21, 2007
At 6:48 pm Demon Kitty said:
That is interesting midevil… that reminds me of a new or rather recent documentary called “Zoo” that examines the incident of a man dying from internal injuries while having sex with a horse. They found out that the farm was a gathering for “zoophiles”, men who like to have sex with horses. Those poor horses.
September 21, 2007
At 7:33 pm midevil said:
Demon Kitty,
Oh my! Ya know, my mother once told me that my uncle was caught on a chair doing one of the mares in the barn, but I always thought she told me just so I wouldn’t like him. A hole is a hole is a hole?
September 21, 2007
At 9:15 pm daria said:
I LOVE IT!
September 21, 2007
At 10:52 pm Maria said:
Her feet are HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA
September 22, 2007
At 4:32 pm michael said:
PERFECT IN EVERY WAY! I can tell you had a *lot* of fun doing these.
September 24, 2007
At 8:28 am Paulina said:
Love your eye for details, like Britney’s eyes and Paris’ feet. Although, I must say, being a size 10 myself, I find comfort in the fact that even a ‘famous’ person like Paris has big feet.
September 25, 2007
At 8:14 pm Tonya said:
Who are you to badmouth Paris Hilton, you are just another person who tries to make money off her and the Hilton name.
You only write about things which come from tabloids, how accurate do you think they really are? And moreover, how is the private life of Paris Hilton any of your concern.
Can’t you stand on your own two feet as an artist?
October 3, 2007
At 4:06 am & said:
Realy funny… DDD
January 6, 2008