Filed under: He Said, She Said

Welcome to the fifth edition of He Said, She Said, a column in which Holy Candy’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

DEAR KANYE AND PARIS:

My big comeback is… *SOB*… RUINED, y’all! I had, like, an important performance the other day… *SOB*… and I was set to kick some major ass, but then they wouldn’t let me bring my lucky frozen margarita on-stage and everything fell apart! They didn’t do my hair right, I wore too many clothes and Sarah Silverman DESTROYED MY LIFE! *SOB*

I’m so beside myself, I’m considering doing something drastic. Like drinking another case of Red Bull. Or, like, actually staying home with my kids. *SOB*

Oh, PLEASE don’t let it come to that! What can I do to get my career back on track?

LuvCheetos@hotmail.com

TO LUVCHEETOS:

KANYE: Fu*k them! The Man’s always trying to keep this brutha down! I should win every single fuc*in’ award out there! I’ve got the #1 record man! I WANT MY MOMMY… oh, wait — what was your question again?

PARIS: You sound fat. But not as fat as Jessica Simpson.

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DEAR KANYE AND PARIS:

My owner has me hooked on crack. Just like R. Kelly, I believe I can fly — right off the balcony. I barely eat my kibble anymore. And I’m convinced the freak is trying to snort me in my sleep.

Help me get off the crack and out of this flat!

PeteDohertysCat@yahoo.co.uk

TO PETEDOHERTYSCAT:

KANYE: At least your owner rewards you with crack treats. I AIN’T GOT NO REWARDS FROM MTV!

PARIS: Tell your owner to call me. Me and him would make such a hot couple.

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DEAR KANYE AND PARIS:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to find America, because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere, like, such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for.

BeautyQueen@rejectedfromcommunitycollege.edu

DEAR BEAUTYQUEEN:

KANYE: What the fu*k? That made even less sense than me getting shut-out at the VMAs.

PARIS: Oh, my God. I totally agree.