Filed under: General Musings
If there’s one thing more trendy in Hollywood than having a DUI, it’s having a pet cause. Some celebrities support war-torn refugees. Others stand up for abused furry friends.
Holy Candy is saving the firecrotch.
Although Nicole Kidman recently lamented growing up with red hair, she should be proud to be one of the few remaining true firecrotches. You see, according to the Oxford Hair Foundation, the number of natural redheads is dwindling rapidly — and they expect them to be EXTINCT by the year 2100.
Good news for Clairol Ultress True Red Hair Color #5. Bad news for those who like a li’l “fire” in their bush.
The reason, according to scientists, is that just 4 percent of the world’s population carries the red-hair gene. The gene is recessive and, therefore, diluted when carriers produce children with people who have the dominant brown-hair gene.
Damn you, brunettes!
From the time Candy founded a “Save the Whales” club in sixth grade, she has worked to protect endangered species and would like to urge select celebrities to join her in Saving the Firecrotch™ — by mating with each other and keeping the gene alive!
We at the Endangered Firecrotch Institute have created this scientifically bulletproof chart demonstrating who needs to procreate with whom to help safeguard the species:
*It is not recommended that #1 and 9 reproduce. That would create a whole host of other issues.
*#2 should be more than old enough by now, so it’s not as creepy as it appears.
*#10 is just as creepy as it appears. Thank you in advance to whomever in #1-7 makes that sacrifice.
*It is not recommended that #3 and 13 reproduce, as the world does not possess enough blow and alcohol to support their offspring.
*It has yet to be confirmed that #11 is, in fact, a natural firecrotch.
*It would be kinda cool if #6 and 14 reproduced. New generation of Brat Packers!
To donate to this worthwhile cause, please call 1-888-SAVE-BOZOTHEBUSH.
Posted by Candy ♦ August 29, 2007
At 1:18 am Mette said:
I have natural red hair, but I will NOT mate with anyone of these… Sorry, but I will donate $50 to make #3 and 11 reproduce, IF in fact #11 has a natural firecrotch.
What about Marcia Gross
August 29, 2007
At 3:15 am Zip said:
I love red heads, so hopefully this story is false!!!
August 29, 2007
At 7:28 am big joe said:
ronnie the macD is gangsta. i’m gonna get me an outfit like he has. and i hope it’s not creepy to think #7 is pretty hot. (she is almost 90).
August 29, 2007
At 9:16 am martini lover said:
I think #2 and 11 produced #10
August 29, 2007
At 11:40 am G said:
Too funny! I think Martini Lover is right!
Who is #1??
August 29, 2007
At 12:58 pm Hannah said:
The women are sacrificing alot more than the guys are. Not much to choose from!!!
#1 is Bryce Howard, Ron’s daughter.
August 29, 2007
At 1:10 pm Fabiola Thing said:
Even though I do not have red hair I insist to people that I do. Does that further the cause?
August 29, 2007
At 1:10 pm Fabiola Thing said:
Whenever I see a curly haired red headed child I touch him/her for good luck.
August 29, 2007
At 2:42 pm big joe said:
gee fabiola, i might try that too. how do you do it? do you just sprint up to them and scream “come here little kid. I want to touch you for good luck!!!”?
August 29, 2007