Filed under: He Said, She Said
Welcome to the premiere of He Said, She Said, a column in which Holy Candy’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.
DEAR ALEC AND PARIS:
I love, love, love that Chinese accessory Meg Ryan was wearing in People magazine. Any idea where I can buy one of those?
a-jolie@aol.com
TO A-JOLIE:
ALEC: Save yourself. They’re all rude, thoughtless little pigs.
PARIS: Pretty sure they have them at Kitson. Put it on a pink leash — so hot.
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DEAR ALEC AND PARIS:
My husband is INSANE! He believes in alien gods, he has me on lockdown… I can’t even take a tinkle without a handler there to wipe me… and he begs me to pour molten lava on him during lovemaking. SICK! Please help me. What should I do?
kholmes@gmail.com
PS — If I give you an SOS for my parents, could you pass it along to them?
TO KHOLMES:
ALEC: What did you expect? Marriage will suck the SOUL out of you — not to mention the money out of your bank account. HA!
And, yes, I’d be happy to leave a voice-mail for your parents.
PARIS: Lava? That’s hot.
ALEC: Literally. HA!
PARIS: Huh?
ALEC: Oh, forget it. Dumbass.
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DEAR ALEC AND PARIS:
My ex-girlfriend keeps blabbing to the the world that I’m her baby’s daddy, but that ‘ho spreads her legs more than James Gandolfini spreads butter on loaves of Italian bread. Besides, that little, um, lapse in judgment was before my Oscar nomination and my new girlfriend, who is is way hotter.
I don’t want to lose my awesome new life. Can you help a brother out?
edmurphyruleshollywood@yahoo.com
TO EDMURPHYRULESHOLLYWOOD:
ALEC: I feel your pain, bro. Exes are the worst — ALWAYS out to get you. I recommend a three-pronged approach: 1) Leave a voice-mail for your ex-bitch and her baby to let her know you won’t put up with their sh*t anymore; 2) Issue a statement about what a bitch she is; and 3) Schedule an appearance on The View to discuss what a bitch she is.
PARIS: Your ex-girlfriend sounds fat. But not as fat as Jessica Simpson.
Posted by Candy ♦ April 25, 2007
Hannah
At 1:17 pm Hannah said:
OMG, that’s awesome!!!
April 25, 2007
A Chick
At 1:25 pm A Chick said:
LOL! Alec needs to leave a voicemail for Tom Cruise to straighten his ass out!
April 25, 2007
At 1:58 pm Heather M. said:
LOL!!! That is brilliant!!!!
April 25, 2007
Jen1984
At 3:06 pm Jen1984 said:
Too funny!
April 25, 2007
princess bride
At 3:17 pm princess bride said:
paris may have a promising new career on her hands.
April 25, 2007
Julie
At 3:32 pm Julie said:
Funny!!
April 25, 2007
Wawa
At 4:37 pm Wawa said:
Ha, ha!
I’m shocked Paris knows how to write.
April 25, 2007
At 8:39 pm Jo Jo said:
Is Alec e-mailing from France?
April 25, 2007