Filed under: Holiday Tributes

The moment has finally arrived: The results are in for the bad, the ugly and the very ugly celebrity lowlights of the past year. And the “winners” — chosen by none other than you, my beloved Holy Rollers — of The 2006 Candy Awards are (drum roll, please)…

Most Repulsive Performance in a Scandal

1) Michael Richards in “The N Word”
2) Denise Richards in “The Backstabber”
3) Britney Spears in “Crotchgate”
4) Mel Gibson in “Jew Wars”
5) Clay Aiken and Kelly Ripa in “That’s a No-No”

Most Flagrant Abuse of Mammary Gland Blessings

1) Britney Spears
2) Pamela Anderson
3) Patricia Arquette
4) Jordan (a.k.a. Katie Price)

Most Profound Literary Scholar of the Year

1) Lindsay Lohan for “Be Adequite”
2) Kevin Federline for “Shower Stall Ode to Britney” (Today I’m a free man/Ladies look out/Fu*k a wife/Give me my kids B*tch!)
3) Fergie for “Risiculous” (When something is so, so sick, it’s risiculous. It’s sick and ridiculous. Risiculous. See, I have my own dictionary.”)
4) Nicole Richie for “MySpace” (”Ive statement I am in the process of putting on weight…”)

Breakout Star of the Year

1) Britney’s baby factory
2) Ashlee Simpson’s new nose
3) Firecrotch
4) Ivanka Trump’s new girls

Most Startling Appearance at a High-Profile Event

1) Charlize Theron’s bow at the Academy Awards
2) Victoria Beckham’s mothership at the TomKat wedding
3) Denise Richard’s hair at the Billboard Awards
4) Bai Ling — anywhere

Most Deserving of the “Tard” Part of “Celebutard”

1) Paris Hilton
2) Kimberly Stewart
3) Nicole Richie
4) Brandon Davis

Worst Performance as a Body-Image Role Model

1) Mary-Kate Olsen
2) Nicole Richie
3) Kate Bosworth
4) Victoria “Posh” Beckham

Most Convincing Performance in a “Committed” Relationship

1) Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern
2) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
3) Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston
4) Al Gore and Lindsay Lohan

The Catchword or Phrase of 2006

1) “Stray dessert” by Paris Hilton’s flack (re: coke-lined nose)
2) “Firecrotch” by Brandon Davis
3) “Be adequite” by Lindsay Lohan
4) “Truthiness” by Stephen Colbert

Looks like Britney is the big “winner” of the year (surprise, surprise). Thanks to everyone who did the “politically/morally correct/adequite” thing and voted for the 2006 Candies!