Filed under: Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton
There has been an alarming increase in the frequency of starlet crotch
photos across the blogosphere. You’d have to be from Jupiter if you’ve
not yet seen photos of Paris Hilton’s weathered bits splashed all over
the internet. If you’ve checked the gossip blogs lately, you’ve also
been subjected to the regrettable vision of Lindsay Lohan’s
"fire crotch" as she exits a vehicle while wearing a miniskirt sans
underwear in front of a pack of eager paparazzi. Our reporters here at
Gallery of the Absurd wanted to get to the bottom of this disturbing
trend and we can now share with you what we learned:
(click to enlarge)
We’re pleased to report that these young ladies are simply wearing Karl Lagerfeld’s sizzlingly sexy new line of lingerie - Seductive Baboon. Lagerfeld noticed striking similarity between the mating behavior of the female baboon and that of certain free-wheeling Hollywood starlets and was inspired to create a line of underwear that resembles the swollen ass of a baboon. We know, it’s hard to tell the difference, but that’s where Lagerfeld’s genius is apparent. Sexy, no? Karl shares his insight with us:
We adore the Paris Hilton version of Seductive Baboon underwear! They even have a little pocket sewn on so that "Crabby" has a dark place to hide when there’s too much sunlight disturbing him. Folks, there’s no longer any need to gouge out your eyeballs after you see yet another photo of Hilton’s crotch…rest assured, she’s wearing Seductive Baboon. Available at fine stores everywhere.
Posted by 14 ♦ September 17, 2006
At 8:44 pm shadealuv said:
BRILLIANT
and disturbing…
September 17, 2006
At 8:57 pm Michele in Michigan said:
oh my ghaad, I love this!
September 17, 2006
At 9:08 pm Jenn F. said:
Oh sweet Jesus. That nasty little lumpy pink hoohoo is just the funniest thing.
September 17, 2006
At 9:59 pm licoricepirate said:
bwahahahaha!!!
xD
thx for addressing this … i guess … *pukes*
i want those undies.
September 17, 2006
Anonymous
At 4:42 am Anonymous said:
OH MY GOD! You’re a genius! I’m repulsed and yet amused all at the same time. Thank god, I learned not to eat while looking at your site a long time ago. DAMN!!!
September 18, 2006
At 5:25 am azuka said:
Ewwwwwww…. So creepy! xD
September 18, 2006
At 6:22 am Miss Cellania said:
I laughed. I cried. Then I made plans for where I’m going to use this link. Brilliant!
September 18, 2006
At 7:41 am Whitney said:
LOVE the Lagerfeld portrait. Is it hot in here? He seems to be melting …
September 18, 2006
At 7:55 am buzzgirl said:
Ha ha…you said get to the “bottom” of this…
September 18, 2006
At 8:27 am Lindsay Lookoutbelowhan said:
That’s hot.
September 18, 2006
At 8:27 am DonnaJEM said:
OK, now my hurl is ON DECK, and about ready to jump.
Hey I love art that actually gives me a physical reaction.
Even if it’s puking.
September 18, 2006
At 8:34 am NY Diva said:
I love it! Paris’s “man hands” are hysterical!
September 18, 2006
At 10:07 am midevil said:
Is that rash from severe body lice?
Oh, poor little crab! Somebody rescue him from that Hell! Hey, sounds like a new movie: From Smell: Cooch Crabs Croak on Hollyrude.
September 18, 2006
At 10:29 am Demon Kitty said:
I am always amused that celebrated fashion designers like Lagerfeld have horrific tastes in clothing. Is Karl’s portrait framed by engorged labia majora, minora and pubes? If Lohan and Hilton don’t start wearing underwear, I am afraid I might become a heterosexual. They are putting a fucking damper on my sapphic psyche.
Demon Kitty
September 18, 2006
At 10:49 am Charlene said:
Demon Kitty, don’t you know? Nobody in Hollywood (or in America, from what I’ve read) has pubes any more. They tear them out by the roots, ripping the skin and causing horrible infections in the process, in order to be “clean”.
Translation: 19-year-old porn freaks can’t tolerate real women, so girls are forced to rip their most private hairs out by the roots to be barely acceptable these days. Disgusting.
September 18, 2006
At 12:33 pm Crees_dahl said:
Off course! Why go commando when you can pay $$$ for the same revolting look and get some “junk in your trunk”.
Love the lil pimples!!!
September 18, 2006
At 1:24 pm elizebeth said:
This is just fantastic! I thought your “Hello Kitty Paris Hilton” was the best but nope….you’ve outdone yourself!
I have been TiVo’ing “The View” to make sure I dont miss any feuds now that Rosie is on. Anyway, last week she was mentioning seeing Llo’s crotch on the internet. You KNOW that flashing the public is a problem when it makes it to “The View”!
Also you have once again captured the essence of your subject….I’m referring to Karl Lagerfeld. Dead on.
September 18, 2006
At 3:58 pm jerkygirl said:
Oh dear. I hope that’s not a REAL iron cross on Herr Lagerfeld, lol. That is a perfect depiction of him, though.
September 18, 2006
At 7:19 pm phlegmfatale said:
You know, considering how ugly Paris Hilton’s lady bits are in the flapping-in-the-wind photos, it’s ironic how cruelly she laughed at that jerk talking about Lindsay’s “fire crotch.” Lindsay’s isn’t pretty by any stretch, but it’s a damned sight less repugnant than Paris’ hackneyed stargate.
Oh, and what a relief to know it was designer drawers and not actually deformities we were looking at. Brill illo, as per usual!
September 18, 2006
At 7:23 pm Andrea said:
14, 14, 14,
Don’t you love us anymore???
Are you getting someone from MADD magazine to do your illos? This just dosn’t seem like the Forteen I have come to rely on for artfully, cleverly, out do-ing the stylish fools in your satire with much more style than they could ever dream up.
Wha happun????
OK, I know you’re busy…I hope you are making some serious $, and getting recognition, etc!!!
And that you come back with a vengeance.
til then, xox. Come back to us.
September 18, 2006
At 8:26 pm Liz said:
Laugh out loud fun! Thanks 14!
September 18, 2006
At 11:42 pm theidlereceptionist said:
After scraping the life out of my corneas Post Lindsay’s Clam Viewing, I managed to see your brilliant draw-rings through the tears of horror.
1. LOVE your Lagerfeld. I’d say it’s so caricatured BUT IT’S NOT. That’s his spitting image. Delishe.
2. Paris’ man hands strike autre fois!! I love.
3. Those Babboon Panties are SOME kind of evil. Can I be a fly on the wall in your brain for like, twenty minutes some day?
September 18, 2006
At 1:42 am Morrigan said:
Just adding my voice to the rally of cheers! Thanks for making me laugh. Once again, I love crabby and Paris’ man-hands (and feet) are always shudder-worthy.
I’m caught between laughter and tossing my cookies, and I love it!
September 19, 2006
At 6:14 am Texas said:
Another masterpiece!!! Bravo!!! So very curious what Paris would say if she see this. She would die from embarassment! ROFL
September 19, 2006
At 7:54 am Anne said:
ICK!!
September 19, 2006
At 7:59 am XXX said:
Haha, this is great.
But has anyone paid attention to the fact that those lindsay lohan photos were quickly debunked as photoshopped?
September 19, 2006
renfield
At 8:48 am renfield said:
Brilliant!First time I had to really laugh out loud this month, thankx!
September 19, 2006
At 9:15 am Bambino said:
Your imagination is wild…..
Keep it running!
September 19, 2006
carina
At 9:34 am carina said:
seriously, what the hell is going on with their vags??
September 19, 2006
At 10:16 am slinkybender said:
So, where I can buy these?
September 19, 2006
At 12:28 pm La BellaDonna said:
What’s really scary is that the baboon bottom in the linked picture looks like an upside-down human face. More particularly, it looks like Herr Lagerfeld. Which may make the “human” part of my description a bit questionable, of course.
Just. EEK.
September 19, 2006
At 1:11 pm Annie said:
This is great!! But didn’t someone prove that the pictures of Lindsey were photoshopped?
September 19, 2006
At 2:14 pm Noelegy said:
That’s the problem with the “bare” look that you mentioned, Charlene: sometimes pulling out the hair reveals flesh better left unseen. Or to put it another way, not every woman’s lady parts need to go commando.
14, this is funny! And queasy. I love the crab-in-a-pocket.
September 19, 2006
At 2:26 pm Marie said:
You’re killing me!!! Perfect depiction of those gross little girls…
September 19, 2006
ccc
At 6:13 am ccc said:
Love the freckles strewn all over the body of the first “Lindsay” model. The man hands on the “Paris” model are insanely hysterical. Your drawing has channeled my inner thoughts..Hollyweird starlet lady-bits look like pink droopy, melted candle waxy, dripping flesh. At least grow back a landing strip, ladies! Cover up those aging coochies…Please!
Carry on 14. You rock.
September 20, 2006
At 1:26 pm Free the Crustaceans said:
I have to admit I’m developing quite the fondness for Mr. Crabby. I think he deserves more back story. Where did he come from? Who did he used to be on before he was passed to Paris “Man Hands?” What are his goals and aspirations, and what does he see from his unique vantage point as he looks out at Hollyweird?
Inquiring minds want more crabby!
September 20, 2006
At 9:04 am DonnaJEM said:
Another horrifying thought occured to me when I saw the pic of Linds and her exposed lady bits getting out of that car.
How many other people have sat in the seat of that very car, that had just sat on a groady park bench or hadn’t showered, or had some crabbies of their own?
Makes me want to call Linds’ OB-GYN and schedule a serious sit-down.
September 21, 2006
At 5:54 pm deanna said:
so now, would that be the fire crotch’s fire crotch that langerfeld designs for in his portrait background, or is that just a hairy fire crotch coincidence in the background? love the cross blocking the yucky fire crotch gateway to the yuck zone.
September 21, 2006
Ilsa
At 9:19 am Ilsa said:
LMAO at the Karl Lagerfeld portrait! A perfect likeness.
September 25, 2006
At 9:58 pm Viper Tetsu said:
The ‘Bleaurrrulgh…’ sound you will soon hear will be emanating from me the instant I stop laughing (which could be awhile). Disturbing to the core of my being, AND funny as hell. Nice combo.
Christ in a fiber-rich bran coating, this topic could be Graphic-Novel-worthy in your hands.
September 26, 2006
At 10:16 pm Lichidogirl said:
I’ve always heard the term “peed my pants laughing” but I’d never actually experienced it till now. That is just genius!
September 26, 2006
At 12:01 pm Long Island Irish said:
“striking similarity between the mating behavior of the female baboon and that of certain free-wheeling Hollywood starlets and was inspired to create a line of underwear that resembles the swollen ass of a baboon.”
LOL LMAO! There is something really wrong with Paris though, it looks totally desiesed. Not normal looking at all.
September 27, 2006
Damien
At 7:02 pm Damien said:
Oh man its Friday and my Mojo just hauled ass out of town!!!
September 28, 2006
At 8:43 am mellen said:
LOL I don’t know - this site cracks me the heck up!!! Baboon looking crotch…heh
September 29, 2006
At 8:51 am cherise said:
first off i love those freckles. there is no mistaking whose body THAT is. and secondly that’s a perfect resemblance to that weirdo who goes by the name “lagerfeld”. thirdly, hilarious
October 1, 2006
At 1:25 pm michael may said:
Lindsay shot is confirm faked.
but Paris is so real
October 18, 2006
At 4:16 am Rosa said:
This is the hardest I’ve ever laughed. Well done.
October 24, 2006
At 5:57 am fart said:
this is so funny i want some of that
January 27, 2007