Filed under: Jessica Simpson
This is first in a series of my Hollywood Aliens Trading Cards. The alien shown above is an evil Dingbaticus from Planet Vapid. They’re sent to Earth to trick unsuspecting humans into thinking the Dingbaticus is talented and entertaining, but their real mission is to control the U.S. news media by diverting attention from facts and issues impacting our country and planet and focusing it back onto superficial drivel. Be warned, too much exposure to this nefarious beast will eventually cause the brain to atrophy. If you find yourself doing things like watching Britney Spear’s "Chaotic" reality show, or if you find Tom Cruise to be the least bit compelling, seek help immediately…you may have been infected by the woeful Dingbaticus.
Here is further proof of the extraterrestrial origin of Jessica Simpson. Sometimes, if the paparazzi capture the right lighting and camera angle, the true nature of the insidious Dingbaticus is exposed. Run for your life.
Posted by 14 ♦ June 2, 2005
At 1:55 am Mayfield said:
Holy fuck. Your blog is the greatest thing the internet has spewed forth in a long minute.
Linked up for sure. Please stay gold.
June 3, 2005
At 2:35 am Gotinha said:
Really Cool!!
June 3, 2005
At 6:19 am LA said:
I’m also looking forward to the rest of the series.
Not only are you an awesome artist, your writing is great too! it’s very funny.
June 3, 2005
At 7:10 am Knuckles McGillicutty said:
I dunno…her boobies seem a little small…
June 3, 2005
At 8:11 am val said:
i love your blog. man, i swear jessica has the weirdest eyes and mouth.
June 3, 2005
At 8:13 am DonnaJEM said:
Friggen hilarious. All of your stuff is superb.
June 3, 2005
At 10:40 am GRETCHEN said:
This explains so much!
Here I thought Simpson was actually dead a la “Death Becomes Her ” and had been accidently buying the wrong can of spray paint to cover her ass. Orange is hot! We better watch out! These aliens are obviously trying to procreate with humans. The sad part is they prefer their own, Case in point the romps with Ribidicus Jack Assicus instead of her human boy Nick.
Tragic!
June 3, 2005
At 12:27 pm farmerbob said:
You’re on fire 14! Slowly the puzzle unfolds. Briliant!
June 3, 2005
At 1:21 pm Kim said:
Just a quick note to let you know you’re fucking brilliant.
June 3, 2005
At 1:38 pm Captain Llama said:
This website rocks. 14, how old are you, are you a female? I’m 16 AND a female, just need to know who does this amazing website.
Also you had P.Diddy right on. I always noticed his mouth open but never thought he was a mouthbreather! No wonder J.Lo broke up with him!
June 3, 2005
Katja
At 1:54 pm Katja said:
i love your work so much. I need to commision a triptych.
June 3, 2005
At 3:29 pm J-Bo said:
Ha! It’s too late for me - I’m completely infected with Dingbaticus. HELP ME!
By the way, my boyfriend HATES Jessica Simpson - he would love to smash her teeth in. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s pretty funny how worked up he gets considering how non-violent and passive he is. Keep the good stuff coming - I love it!
June 3, 2005
At 3:59 pm Viper Tetsu said:
If you listen closely to the audio on all of that bootleg UFO footage over Area 51, that’s not tape hiss you’re hearing. It’s Jessica Simpson’s ‘In this Skin’ chirping away…Goddammit, I KNEW somethin’ was up.
As for your text; your satirical pen is as sharp and hilarious as your satirical brush and paints. Can’t hardly wait to see how many other specimens of alien-ness you’ll be outing…
June 3, 2005
At 4:46 pm R.R. Anderson said:
Found this site through a posting on Drawn.ca , you fourteen (14) are serious awesomeness. keep up the good work!
June 3, 2005
At 2:56 am trudi said:
Good on you for highlighting how utterly ridiculous and superficial these dumb ass self-centered brainless people are.
June 6, 2005
At 7:50 am Mandrillus Sphinx. said:
You’ve just earned yourself another fan.
Killer site.
June 6, 2005
At 8:21 am Miss Go Go Boots said:
What does Jessica Simpson DO anyway? I mean, why is she famous? She seems to be just another stupid face in a seemingly endless procession of morons, barbie girls, and
no-talent ass licks.
Excellent site, 14.
Keep ‘em comin.
June 6, 2005
TSB
At 10:24 pm TSB said:
GAHH! This site rules! Her mouth is so huge! The rest of her is so orange! Exclamation points totally necessary!
June 6, 2005
At 6:32 pm Benita said:
I always thought Jessica looked carnivorous…looks like I was right! She always looks like she’s about to chomp into anything that gets too close. Scary! Great ATC too!
June 9, 2005
At 4:49 pm Ivonne said:
Brilliant… I agree with all of the above.
June 12, 2005
Lisa21
At 11:59 am Lisa21 said:
This is an amazing site! We need to stop buying into all this crap! Your site points out how weird and jacked up these “celebrities” really are. Great writing and boy did you nail P. Diddy. RISE UP NORMAL PEOPLE!
June 15, 2005
Rezwan
At 6:51 pm Rezwan said:
Hilarious. I love your site. But “their real mission is to control the U.S. news media by diverting attention from facts and issues impacting our country and planet and focusing it back onto superficial drivel.” I am momentarily sobered. Yet your mockery takes the diversion to a meta-level and still the “facts and issues” elude me. What are these things of which you speak? Do you have some works that use your amazing talent to focus on these alleged facts and issues? Perhaps a separate outlet? There is only Dingbaticus and related fauna here.
June 19, 2005
At 6:46 pm Katie said:
http://thebosh.com/archives/2005/06/jessica_simpson_7.php
whore
June 21, 2005
sookj
At 8:12 am sookj said:
you’re really great, so funny
June 22, 2005
At 10:03 am candy b said:
I can’t stop laughing at this picture - it’s so dead on, right down to the latest trend in celebrity skin color - ‘Tangelo’.
June 26, 2005
At 12:21 am Doug Wade said:
The sidebar on my homepage says movie revenues are at an all time low….Well, duh!!!!!!!! Like, tangelo is a skin color? P.S. All the posts herein have resurected my faith in mankind….my mankind, not Hollyweird’s!!!!! 14, you are the bomb…. i would pay for your website, just post your bank account number….Onedog on Maui.
June 28, 2005
Stephanie
At 10:05 pm Stephanie said:
As someone who went to high school with this b*tch, it amazes me how well 14 has captured the essence of the dreaded JS, before and after massive amounts of plastic work. And for those wondering how she managed to worm her way to the entertainment sewer, three things: 1) Start-up money. 2) Ambitious, sick, shrewd businessman posing as a father. 3) The alien lineage.
Keep up the good work 14.
July 14, 2005
Matthew
At 4:36 pm Matthew said:
get a life people! Jessica Simpson is asume!
August 22, 2005
At 10:51 pm DEREK said:
Jessica looks hotter than most of you ugly cunts. 99.9% here are fucked up and jealous.
November 15, 2005
At 10:45 am JessyGirlNot said:
She is a wing nut!! People say her stupidness is an act, I beg to differ….”Now Nick, what did you say I was eating tuna or chicken? It tastes like tuna but the can says “Chicken of the Sea”? A dah!!!!! She gets the ding bat award for that!!
February 1, 2006
Sara
At 8:22 pm Sara said:
wow, how pathetic, you people really have nothing better to do haha
April 20, 2006
At 6:39 am Rogo2000 said:
The only Duffs and Simpsons I want to ever see is Homer holding his favorite beer!
August 26, 2006
At 10:25 pm Bronwen said:
In response to Matthew up there…
If I ever get jealous of a stretched-out, microwaved Barbie head I hope to be shot. A website like this is necessary to help us keep from admiring these people too much.
October 29, 2006
At 11:39 pm FacelessDancers said:
Amazing how someone can post truth and turn it into comedy for others. Simpson is a shapeshifter alien. Awesome trading cards. Kind of reminds me of the Steve Jackson Illuminati 1994 world trade center cards.
November 16, 2006
misst
At 11:50 am misst said:
I would just like to say, whoever sits on their computer at home and makes up blogs like these obviously has no life. You dont know jess or her family, and these remarks are out of jealousy. Grow up!!!
April 26, 2007
At 12:18 pm derrik said:
I LOVE JESSICA SIMPSON!!!
May 18, 2007
At 4:21 pm Britt08 said:
wow somebody obviously is jealous of jessica lol mb one day u can be as rich and succesful as her im not saying shes the most talented singer or actress but she certainly knows wat audiences want and thats really all that matters i wish i had a huge blog about me…
May 21, 2007